Well, yet again another file of what is just utterly leaving me beyond any help for energy. Life isn't this damn pathetic and I know it's not. There's many, many things I can be happy for that are there for me. A family, though dysfunctional beyond repair, care for me. Friends that I'd do anything for, give up everything I could possibly have. I have nice things like my laptop, anime, manga, etc etc. But in times where things go bad, everyone starts to think everything is nil when it really isn't. It's far to easy to become blinded to the facts in front of you that it's what's become most common.

That's is something that really annoys me to no ends. The typical, common things that people see everywhere all the time but when it involves them personally they don't act any better of it. I've seen it time and time again. That's all I've done with my life is observe. I haven't experienced much myself, but when that's all you've ever had. All you've done is watch, listen, try to offer advice or comfort to someone you care about you tend to fall into character after a while. It's not easy, hence why all I hear is 'well it's different. you would think differently if you went through it yourself' well that my good friends is highly unlikely. That which I cannot fathom myself I touch on the surface barely. I don't claim to know anything in depth or some such. However, one skill I've gained over the years is putting yourself aside and putting yourself in the person confiding in you's shoes.

It's not easy and in most cases it's not like you'll go unscathed. I've gone to the point of tears and struggling all I can to help the person. It doesn't even have to be someone I particularly like, but if they are willing to look at me and say they want to know what I have to say. I'll give it. I don't mean that I can match the pain and the powerful feelings mixed with the paths I have yet to go down myself, but there is still great pain when mirrored within ones self. Growing up I was isolated and the only people around me were those that just preferred to be miserable and take it out on each other for no reason even over nothing. I hear it. I feel it. I fall into the abyss that envelopes those around me.

I've just grown tired of trying to be heard. Be understood. I can imagine I'll look back at this in a couple weeks and think of how pathetic I am. Either way this is me. I've rarely been seen through or considered to the extent for anything serious. I'm just another know-it-all snooty bitch that will do what she needs to better herself. I couldn't care less how many people think of me that way. Numbers never made any difference to me and I doubt they ever will. That's what I'm used to even to this day. I point out what needs to be seen and considered. I'm told to shut the hell up real fast or just plain ignored. Some things do need a certain amount of attention being paid to, and yet that which does not require such careful attention receives it and that which does not, does. It's how the world goes and only few individuals see it differently or make it different themselves.

Being different, acting different. Just different is what's always misunderstood and never seen for what it really is. Another simple fact. However those who care to look will notice the finer details and gain at least a slight understanding of what has yet to be understood. I always wonder why it is that what's different get's ignored or just plain ripped apart in study. Understand not solve. Not everything has to be an experiment. And yet, that is what humanity does. Some things are destined never to change.

I wonder sometimes why it is that everyone seeks 'technological progress' or anything like that. Personally I like to find a balance, I can be content with what I have. It doesn't always have to be different surrounding wise. It should be the people that matter. Not some mechanical things that will come to be all we'll ever know and love. For me the perfect life would be back in the days when all you did was to get by. Grow or raise your own food. Trade an item for an item. Main focus is the life of your loved ones. I'll never fathom why people couldn't just be content with that. For me, that would be heaven. Eventually I hope to come at least close to that, but as things go right now I'm afraid I'll have to lose a lot before that can occur. Granted you have to lose something to gain something, but I dislike the fact that the people close to you sometimes has to change too.

That is why I dislike change. Never really been fond of it. Not in the sense of people leaving and moving forward seeking something very different from what they already have. Why is it impossible to find a steady state of being happy? Content? Satisfied? That's a question I'm not sure I even care about the answer because I have no doubt I already know it, just refuse to acknowledge it because it's so irritating for me. I like to think I can be content the way things are. In grades 9 and 10 I think I really could have lived like that for the rest of my life. Never once would I dare to ask for anything more but certainly not anything less. Those two years could be considered the two highlights of my life, or better yet the peak of life yet to be lived.

Well I don't want to live anymore for things like that. Progress just to lose what I could be perfectly happy with already. I never really needed any online game, online messaging or so on to be happy. In fact I didn't need any of it at all during those two years. I didn't even particularly want them either. I was close with everyone and everyone was content. This has become nothing but another memory left to fade away into the sands of time as we get older. In the end I don't want anything life can offer me except for the closeness of those I care about. As the years go on it only becomes clearer and clearer if that's even possible. More of a reminder of how much I should continue to cherish what we had. My only regret back then is that some of those that I cared about did not care enough to play a larger part in it.

Life's a ride. That's all it is. We live to die. We die to let live. The only thing that matters is what we can fit in between.

The way the world is developing it's becoming more and more difficult to fit those precious things in to make life worth living. All that seems to matter now is technology, education and work. That's it, that's all. As far as I'm concerned I believed that's all there could be I wouldn't even waste my time. I'd have ended all this pathetic crap I put up with all the time ages ago without a second thought. Without those that I care about and those that care for me I wouldn't hesitate to end everything. I must sound very suicidal with this but it's true. Once I have nothing left to lose, there really will be nothing.

I imagine this will be my last journal I'll write. I'm sure this already has those who actually read it either angry, pitying, or other things like that. I don't want pity. If you get angry from this then get angry. Clearly you don't know me well enough for me to merit to bother me. All I ask is to be heard, if anything else. But even with that if being heard is impossible I'll fall back into the blackness that has been where I've dwelled my life away until the past year. This however is part of the reason why I doubt I'll write any more journals. Or at least not online where people can be so plainly skeptical and save it for those who might actually give a damn or consider what I write or say as something more than someone feeling sorry for themselves. Those who want to hear or read it will probably get it, but it's not like it holds that much importance to even receive a second glance. It's been interesting but I don't see anything good coming from my journals for the skeptics.

Unnecessary complications I would prefer to avoid. There's enough of that being thrown around as it is without my adding my portion into the whirlwind.

Note: Had to try the skin. I loves it! xD